Flourishing Relationships – Relationships in Small Business

Think about Honey bees for a moment. Bees are a good metaphor for business relationships. 

A Working Bee

 

For the hive and the colony to survive and flourish, Honey bees have to work together. The Queen is there to lay eggs to create new bees, the Drones are the males who’s only job in life is to fertilize a Queen and the workers are there to collect pollen to make the food that they all need to survive. Each bee has it’s place in the life of the hive. They even have a communication system where one bee can “tell” the other worker bees where to find flowers, so that they can collect  the pollen that they need. 

Another working Bee!

Just as in a hive of Honey bees, good relationships between staff members, managers and clients/customers are paramount to the success of the business. And communication is the base on which human relationships are formed and sustained.

Supposing that there was a communication breakdown between the worker bees so that they did not find enough of the pollen that they need. The hive’s food stocks would be depleted, the Queen would stop laying eggs, so no new bees would be created and eventually the hive would cease to exist. (Bees do not have people like me to help them with their communication skills and repair their relationships). 

A breakdown in communication between managers and or staff  can damage their relationships, which will impact on the progress and success of a small business.

So all you small business owners and managers out there, remember that it is really important to work on your business relationships through good communication with your staff and clients/customers. After all, every business is all about the people involved and the relationships that they have together.

Hilary Thompson

The Out and About Therapist

Relationships coaching for small business.

Facilitator at Flourishing Relationships Retreats

 

Flourishing Relationships – Driving a wedge between us

A friend of mine was telling me the other day about how an issue had cropped up between her and her new partner, which was “driving a wedge” between them.

The thin end of the wedge

When we are in a relationship it is inevitable that now and again we will  have some sort of disagreement with our partner. That is normal when two very different people share their lives together.

Each of  us will see an issue with a different perspective and a different belief system based upon our experience of life. However, that does not mean that a disagreement has to “drive a wedge” between partners.

If this is happening to your relationship, consider this:

•  Is it just you that feels like there is a wedge between you or is it both of you?

• Are you on the defensive about this issue?

• Is the issue bringing up painful experiences that you need to recognize and heal?

• Can you put yourself into the other person’s “shoes” and see their side?
• Is this all about having to be right all the time so that you feel better about yourself?

If any of the above questions ring true for you, then you need to do some work on yourself, before you can open up an effective  communication channel with your partner and resolve the issue.

Remember, you can not change other people, you can only change yourself. When you change yourself for the better, grow yourself and heal your pain, you can deal with issues when they arise much more effectively.

If the issue is a big one and you have not been able to resolve it yourselves, please get some help from someone you can trust before your relationship is irreparably damaged.

Hilary Thompson

The Out and About Therapist

Facilitator at Flourishing Relationships Retreats

Flourishing Relationships – Resentment

Resentment is one of those emotions that we all feel at some time or another. 

There are lots of issues that cause resentment e.g. money,   in-laws, criticism, defensiveness, work, nagging, expectations, selfishness and sex. I am sure that you can think of some others to add to this list.

“You never listen to me!”

The danger with resentment is that if you let it,  it festers  away in the background of your mind and affects your relationships.

How does this happen? If you are resentful about something, you will react in a negative way rather than with a positive attitude. You communication with the other person becomes limited and can easily break down, causing a rift between you. Then if neglected, the rift can widen to the point that the relationship starts to run into trouble.

What to do about it? Here are some tips to consider:

• If you are the one who is resentful work out what it is exactly that you resent, then talk about it. Your partner may not have any idea that what they did or said made you feel resentful. Give them the opportunity to apologize and explain.
• If your partner is the one who is resentful and you understand what you did to cause that resentment, apologize and  change your behaviour.
•  Listen carefully to what it is that your partner is feeling resentful about and acknowledge their feelings so that you validate them.This is really important as it allows your partner to feel heard.
• Kindness is a good antidote for resentment. Use little random acts of kindness towards your partner on a daily basis.
• Appreciation and consideration can also go a long way to stop resentment, so make a point of being considerate and appreciative each day.

Hanging onto resentment is not healthy. Not only does it affect your relationships, it never brings you happiness. Resentment is one of the most common emotions that           I help my Client’s to release. 

If you find yourself hanging onto some resentments, find ways of letting them go. Believe me it is worth the effort.You will feel so much better afterwards.

Hilary Thompson

The Out and About Therapist

Facilitator at Flourishing Relationships Retreats

Flourishing Relationships – I don’t want help!

When couples are having problems within their relationship, it is common for one of the partners to refuse help to address and resolve the issues.

Women are often the ones who realize that there are problems within the relationship; that they need help.And are often more likely to seek help than men. But that is not always the case.

“I’m not looking, so I can’t see it”

Either partner can be the one who is refusing the help.Some of the most common reasons for refusing to go to see a relationship coach or counselor are:

• Pride – if there is a problem I should be able to fix it myself. Being too proud to accept help.
• Stubbornness- refusing to admit that there is a problem.
• Fear -of having to change.
• Denial – believing that there is nothing wrong and that they are quite happy with the way things are.
• “We can not afford to go to counselling” – this is a furphy as most people can find the money to do other things, they just do not see their relationship as something worth investing in financially. It is an excuse to not do anything to resolve the problem.
• “I am not going to counselling and you are not going either” – This attitude is all about controlling their partner. It is a reaction based in fear. Fear that if their partner seeks help their relationship will change. And they do not want change.

What to do if your partner refuses to get help to resolve your relationship issues?

Remember that you can not change someone else, but you can change yourself.

Go and get help by yourself; but be sure to discuss with your partner what you are working on with your counselor  If you feel that you are not progressing with your counselor  find another. Sometimes it takes time to find the right person to help you.

Learn how to change your behaviour patterns, communicate more effectively and make changes to the way that you react to situations.Then your partner will have to eventually adjust their behaviour to match. This can make a big difference to your relationship.

Investing time, money and effort in your relationship will reap you both rewards and may well keep you away from the divorce courts.

Hilary Thompson
The Out and About Therapist
Facilitator at Flourishing Relationships Retreats

Flourishing Relationships – The problem with socks…….

“True love is like a pair of socks; you’ve got to have two and they’ve got to match.” Erich Fromm.

The problem with socks is that sometimes you loose one.What was once a pair now becomes a solo item and it either gets discarded or left all alone at the bottom of the drawer.

A Marriage made in Heaven?

Relationships can be a bit like socks. We sometimes loose a relationship and end up feeling discarded like the single sock at the bottom of the drawer.

Being a “single sock” when you have been in a long term relationship can be quite daunting and rather lonely.However, it does not have to be that way.

Here are some tips to help you recover and if you wish, find another “sock” to make up a new pair.

• Heal and let go of any resentment, anger, hurt, jealousy, and other negative emotions that arise.
• Understand and be grateful for the things that you learned from being in that relationship.
• Think about your beliefs about relationships and if they are negative, do something about changing them.
• Think about what you expect from others with whom you are having relationships. Do you expect too much or not enough?
• Be prepared to change yourself so that you can attract “socks” with whom you can match up.

People who are in relationships, unlike socks, do not have to be identical to make a good pair.In fact valuing the differences in each partner is healthy.But they do need to have some shared attitudes, beliefs and perspectives to make a good match.
And remember, relationships need to be nurtured not taken for granted. Or, like socks, one day one of the pair will have gone missing.

Hilary Thompson
The Out and About Therapist
Facilitator at Flourishing Relationships Retreats

Flourishing Relationships – Relationship Patterns

Everywhere in life there are patterns.

We find patterns in nature, in the Arts, in Architecture, in our behaviour; in fact patterns are everywhere.

We even have relationship patterns.

See the pattern, change the behaviour.

Let me explain.

Relationship patterns are about the people that we attract into our lives. We start at early childhood with the friends that we make and continue on throughout our lives.

Now this is fine if we attract kind, loving and generous people who support us and help us to grow. However, if we are attracting people who put us down and abuse us in some way, we need to recognize this pattern and change it so that we attract nicer people into our lives.

Here are some questions to think about:

• How you relate to other people? Are you kind, generous, supportive and loving?
• Do you tease, use put downs, humiliate or use other hurtful behaviour?
• Do you have beliefs about yourself that leave you open to abuse? Beliefs like “I am not worthy of being loved.” “I deserve to be punished.” There are all sorts of negative beliefs that will affect the relationships that we have.
• Are you following the same relationship patterns of your parents?

If you recognize some negative behaviour in yourself you can change it. For example, you can make the choice not to tease or humiliate anyone ever again. You can choose to be more loving, kind and supportive. After all isn’t that how you like to be treated?

You can even change your negative beliefs about yourself and other people. You may need some help with this though.

Once you start to make some positive changes with your own behaviour patterns, your relationship patterns change.

People who no longer fit with you will leave your life. This is a good thing, even if it is a relative or partner. People who will not grow with you will always try to keep you at their level and that is not healthy. So let them go.

You will find that you start a new relationship pattern. You will attract people who are more loving into your life. Then your relationships will just get better and better.

Hilary Thompson
The Out and About Therapist
Facilitator at Flourishing Relationships Retreats

Flourishing Relationships – The Mind Reading Trap

When we are in a close relationship with someone, it is inevitable that at some stage we are going to have a disagreement.

Some disagreements can be healthy and a source of learning, but some are not helpful unless they are handled with care.

One of the traps that we often fall into is that of “Mind Reading”.

When emotions run high, we do not always think rationally and communication breaks

Mind Reading

down.

“If you loved me you would know what I am feeling”.
“If you loved me you would know what I want”.

Sound familiar? Both of these statements are suggesting that if you loved this person you would automatically be able to read their mind and know what they are feeling.Or, you would know what they want without them telling you.

When you think about it, this sort of reaction is ludicrous as we as human beings do not have the ability to read someone’s mind, no matter how much you love them.

If you find yourself in this situation, leave it for a while and cool off.

Once both of you have calmed down, gently start to ask some questions to get the information that you need to resolve the issue. Tips for questions:

• Ask for specifics.
• Start your questions with Who,What, When, How, Where
• Ignore the urge to ask “Why”. “Why” will generally not give you quality information.
• Acknowledge that your partner is upset by saying something like ” I understand that you are upset ………”
• Be open and listen.

Work on improving your communication with each other and then the “mind reading trap” will go away as you no longer fall into it.

Hilary Thompson
The Out and About Therapist
Facilitator at Flourishing Relationships Retreats

Flourishing Relationships – Oh No, it’s Christmas!

Oh no, it’s Christmas again and we have to meet up with the relatives!

Traditionally, most couples spend their time at Christmas between families, trying to keep everyone happy.

Now we have arrived at Christmas Eve, the arrangements should have all been made, the shopping done and now all we have to do is brace ourselves for Christmas Day.

Holly for Christmas

As the saying goes “you can choose your friends but not your relatives.” So what to do if you have to spend time with people you would rather not be with. Here are a few tips:

• When you first get up on Christmas morning, keep telling yourself that you are having a great day.
• Stop yourself from dwelling on what went wrong last year
• Remind yourself that everyone wants to have a good day
• Refuse to buy into any dramas that may be created
• Remember to take a deep breath and count to ten before reacting to a situation. Walk away if you need to.
• Treat others the way you would like them to treat you.

Relationships can be really tested at Christmas, but it does not have to be that way. It really is up to you what kind of Christmas you have. If you are cheerful and friendly then that is the most likely response you will get from others.

So have a very Happy Christmas and enjoy your day.

Hilary Thompson
The Out and About Therapist
Facilitator at Flourishing Relationships Retreats

Flourishing Relationships – The most important relationship of your life

The relationship that we have with ourselves is the most important relationship of all. It not only affects our mental and physical health, but it impacts on the other relationships in our lives. How healthy is the relationship that you have with yourself? Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• Do you always put other people’s needs before your own and neglect your own needs?
• Do you have trouble saying “No” to requests and then feel resentful at having to do
  

  Drying My Feathers

  something that you do not want to do?

• Do you take care of your body by feeding yourself with healthy food and having regular meals, or do you just grab something to eat to stop the hunger pangs?
• Do you do the things that you love to do?
• Do you speak to yourself kindly or are you into self criticism, self impatience and self blame?
• Do you congratulate yourself on your achievements?

You may think that like the Cormorant on the light pole, how you treat yourself is personal and has no effect on anyone else, but you would be wrong. However you think and behave towards yourself has a profound effect on the people that you are closest to. No man or woman is an island.

I believe that having a healthy relationship with yourself is about taking care of your needs, your body’s health, being mindful of you self talk. It is about ignoring the critic in your mind, it is about congratulating yourself on a job well done. It is about forgiving yourself for your mistakes and learning from them. It is about taking time out to do the things that you love to do. It is about saying “NO” sometimes without feeling guilty.

Treat yourself as you would like others to treat you.Stop being your own worst enemy and focus on being your own best friend. You will be glad that you did.

Hilary Thompson
The Out and About Therapist
Facilitator at Flourishing Relationships Retreats

Flourishing Relationships – I can do anything better than you!

Remember the old song “Anything you can do”  from the Irving Berlin musical “Annie Get Your Gun”?

“I can do anything better than you!”

The lyrics start like this: 

ANNIE: Anything you can do I can do better
……I can do anything better than you
FRANK: No, you can’t
ANNIE: Yes, I can
FRANK: No, you can’t
ANNIE: Yes, I can
FRANK: No, you can’t
ANNIE: Yes, I can, yes, I can 

The song is just a bit of fun, but this kind of “I’m better than you” attitude can easily erode a relationship and even over time destroy it.

Here is a scenario ( I am using the male in this story to be the bad guy, but it could easily be the female, so please bear with me):

She comes home all excited at having achieved something that was important to her. She tells her partner all about it and his response is to ignore what he has just been told and talk about his own achievements as if they were of a higher standard and more valuable than hers. In other words he comes up with a better story. Sound familiar?

She now feels that her achievement has no or little value and her self-esteem plummets. She feels resentment and anger at her partner’s response.

If this scenario is repeated each time one of the partners has an achievement, or an opinion, or even just had a fun time, the attitude of being “better than you” creates more and more resentment which erodes the relationship.This is one form of  emotional abuse.

If you always feel that you have to be better than your partner and find yourself “telling a better story”, get help to heal your insecure self and stop doing it. 

If you are in a relationship with someone who is always telling you that they are “better than you” you also need help, so that you can decide whether or not the relationship is viable. 

For a relationship to be healthy, both partners must value and encourage each other in what ever they do. It is all part of loving someone and helping them to grow as a person.

Hilary Thompson

The Out and About Therapist

Facilitator at Flourishing Relationship Retreats