Flourishing Relationships – The Sea of Our Emotions

Sometimes our relationships seem to be like the waves of the sea crashing against the rocks of the land.

Crashing Waves

We crash and bang against each other, our emotions flaring and all we seem to do is hurt each other. 

When we are in this state of unrest, we can not resolve issues. We do not think clearly, all we do is react.

There are a number of reasons why we are triggered into reacting, for example: 

•  Circumstances can project us subconsciously into childhood where we were hurt or frightened in some way, so we react as if we were still that child.
• Emotions like guilt, envy, resentment, anger, humiliation etc,  can all cause us to react and can be at the root of our reaction.
• Blaming other people for what is happening rather than looking in your own backyard.

So when you are pounding on the shore of your relationship like the surf pounding on the beach, stop for a while.

Sea and Sand

Calm yourself and think about what it is that you are doing and how you could approach the issue differently. 

Think about how you could approach your partner to discuss the issue with kindness and compassion. 

Then you have a chance to calm the seas of your emotions and resolve the issue you have been fighting about.

Hilary Thompson

The Out and About Therapist

Facilitator at Flourishing Relationships Retreats

 

Flourishing Relationships – Time Out!

Most of us at sometime in our lives go through a relationship break up. This is when we need some time out to do some work on ourselves. 

Koala Bear

Many people will make the mistake of going into another relationship almost immediately.When this happens we usually attract the same sort of person that we just left and guess what? This relationship does not work either as we repeat the same patterns as before.

When we are at the end of a relationship we need time out to think and to get to know ourselves a little better. 

We need to heal any emotional pain, and we need to decide what we want in a relationship. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• What sort of person do you want as a partner?
• How to you want to be treated within a relationship?
• What exactly do you want to get out of a relationship?
• What are you prepared to give to a relationship?

What has this got to do with Koala Bears? Not a lot really. 

However, the more we work on ourselves and grow ourselves our perspectives change and like the Koala at the top of a tree, we have a different view of the world from those who are still “living on the ground”. 

This in turn means that we attract different kinds of people into our lives, giving us a better chance of having a “Flourishing Relationship”.

Hilary Thompson

The Out and About Therapist

Facilitator at Flourishing Relationships Retreats

 

Flourishing Relationships – commitment with a capital “C”

You have met the love of your life. You have come through the early stages of your relationship with all the excitement, sex and to some degree illusion. 

Setting up a home

You are now ready to take the next step in your relationship. For some that means marriage, for some it means setting up house together. Either way it means commitment with a capital “C”.

Let’s look at the word “commitment”. According to my dictionary :

“commitment means undertaking or pledge that restricts freedom of action.” 

Many people are afraid of commitment and this definition shows why. No one wants their freedom of action restricted.

I believe that commitment within a relationship is about being true to each other. In western society, as we know, it means that we only have one life partner and restrict our sexual activity to that partner.

However, commitment does not mean that we are restricted from growing and changing ourselves. It is not a licence to restrict our partner and stop them from learning and growing either. In fact commitment is  about helping each other to learn and grow.

As  Kahlil Gibran says in his book The Prophet:

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone

though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

What more can I say?

Hilary Thompson

The Out and About Therapist

Facilitator at Flourishing Relationships Retreats

Flourishing Relationships – Worry Warts Watch Out!

One of the things that we as humans are very good at is worrying.

The problem here is that worry causes all sorts of problems and does not usually offer solutions. It can cause difficulties

OMG – it just might happen!

within relationships and even cause rifts between people that do not need to be there.

When we worry, our mind goes around and around stewing over the issue and causing our stress levels to rise. This puts tension in our bodies including our brains and we can’t think clearly. The more we worry, the more the fear builds.

At best we carry on with the worry simmering away in the background making us feel bad. At worst we can’t eat, we can’t sleep, we become emotionally out of balance and our immune system becomes compromised so that we can, if we let the worry go too far, become sick.

All this can put a real strain on our relationships as we are unable to communicate properly. The people we are closest to do not share with us what is going on with them for fear that it will cause us to worry. The problem with this is that not knowing what is going on can make our worrying even worse as we can imagine things that are not actually happening. Molehills can so easily become mountains!

What to do? 

•  Remember that it is your mind that is doing the worrying not you and you can control your mind. In fact learning to control your mind is essential to health and happiness. 
• Remember that worry does not solve the problem It just makes you feel bad. So make the decision not to worry.
• Write down what you are worrying about using a pen and paper and then rip up the paper without re-reading it. This is a good way to get the worry out of your head.
• Once you have stopped the worry, you can then discuss the issue and take steps to finding a solution.

Congratulations to all who decide that they are no longer going to be a “worry wart”.  You have now become a “Worry Warrior” and have joined those of us who have given up worrying and enjoy a more peaceful mind.

A Worry Warrior

Hilary Thompson 

The Out and About Therapist

Facilitator at Flourishing Relationships Retreats

Flourishing Relationships – Warning Flags

In my last post I talked about how hiding your head under  your wing like a snoozing duck and refusing to resolve issues can cause problems within a relationship.

Flags flying from the mast of the tall ship “One and All”

Relationships can be put under stress by many things and life will often wave a flag at us to make us take note of what it is that we need to address. 

To ignore these “flags”  is to do so at the risk of damaging your relationship beyond repair. 

Pretending that there is nothing wrong with your relationship when you and your partner are no longer getting along like you used to do,  is nothing short of foolish.

As I have said before, a relationship needs to be nurtured and worked on by both partners. A relationship can not run by it’s self. 

Is life waving a “flag” at you, trying to show you that there are issues that you need to address and resolve with your partner? Here are some examples of “flags”:

•  Often fighting with each other
• Being secretive
• Not talking to each other
• Using the kids as emotional blackmail
• Interference from parents or in-laws
• Emotional,verbal or physical abuse at all levels
• Not being truthful with each other

These are just some of the common “flags”.There are of course, many others. If you see “flags” in your relationship, then get some help before it is too late. Getting help is OK. Getting help does not mean that you and your partner are bad people. We all need a little help now and then to get ourselves and our relationships back on track.

Hilary Thompson

The Out and About Therapist

Facilitator at Flourishing Relationships Retreats

 

Flourishing Relationships – Stop being a “sleeping duck”.

I came across this Duck one day when I was visiting the Adelaide Botanic Gardens. 

Glass Wave fountain with snoozing Duck Adelaide Botanic Gardens

 

 It was standing on one leg with it’s head under its wing snoozing. As I approached it looked up at me and quacked at me for disturbing it and then went back to sleep. What has this to do with relationships you ask?

There are times in any relationship when we are at odds with each other over something.  The best thing to do is to discuss the issue and try to come to some agreement as to how to resolve it. Then follow through with what has been agreed.

 However some of us just hide our heads under our wings, not wanting to address the issue. 

What makes us do this? I think that basically it is fear. 

Fear of facing up to something that makes us feel uncomfortable, fear of loosing something or someone.

Fear of having to change a circumstance or ourselves.

The problem with being a “sleeping duck” is that issues never go away by themselves and if they are not  addressed they fester like a dirty wound. I believe that this is one of the reasons relationships end. And that is a shame because all it takes is a little courage to face the problem and some co-operation with your partner to resolve the issue. 

Oh and by the way, the Duck really did  have one leg and it continued to snooze for the whole time I was there!

Hilary Thompson

The Out and About Therapist 

Facilitator at Flourishing Relationships Retreats

 

Flourishing Relationships – Different directions

Do you sometimes feel like you and your partner are going in two different directions? Are you passing each other like ships in the night?

Unfortunately this can often happen , especially when both partners are working shifts, so that they get to see very little of each other.

In some ways this can work quite well, as it can mean that there is always one parent home for the children.

Different Directions

But what of the relationship between the two of you? This can be a real trap if your not careful. Closeness and intimacy can be sacrificed and the relationship suffers as a result. 

It is so easy to focus on bringing up the children and working to earn enough money to give the family a good life. It is so easy to forget about nurturing the primary relationship in the family, which of course is the relationship between the parents.

So what to do? Here are a few ideas for you to think about:

•  Take some regular time out together without the children. Have a regular “date night out” or a weekend away.
• Have a serious look at your lifestyle. Are there things that you really don’t need in your lives? In which case, get rid of them. De-cluttering can be very satisfying. 
• Are you providing your Children with too much stuff? Too many activities? Not enough of your time?
• Consider pruning your work hours, can you have a simpler, more satisfying life with less money? Less hours at work means more time together and isn’t that valuable?

Life in the 21st century can drive you round the bend and damage your relationships if you let it. But only if you let it. The choice is yours.

Hilary Thompson

The Out and About Therapist

Facilitator at Flourishing Relationships Retreats

Flourishing Relationships – Do you have a vision for your marriage?

Does anyone ever think about what a Marriage is all about? I suspect that most people think of marriage (and I use the word “marriage” loosely to mean any kind of committed

Life is like a bunch of Roses, pretty, but thorny

relationship) as two people living together, loving each other and sharing their life.

On the surface, this is true, but for a “marriage” to be really successful, there has to be more.

Each of us has some sort of vision as to how we want our lives to be. This is  fine, but when you are sharing your life with someone, each person’s vision for themselves needs to fit into the vision that they have for their life together as a couple. 

How often do couples sit down and discuss their visions for themselves and how they see their life together? Not that often, I suspect. How often to couples set goals for themselves to help them bring their vision into reality? Again I suspect that it is not very often.

Life together can be a bunch of roses, but unless as a couple each partner helps each other to negotiate the thorns along the way, their relationship can get very snagged. Is your relationship needing some help to be released and freed up again?

Hilary Thompson

Facilitator at Flourishing Relationships Retreat

The Out and About Therapist 

 

Flourishing Relationships: Getting Married? Then read this first.

Many of us at some stage in our lives find ourselves getting married. Some are lucky enough to find the right partner and stay married for life, but many marriages falter and couples split up.

When we are young and in love, the idea of marriage seems a bit like a fairy tale, such as

“I wasn’t signing up for this!”

Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty and how they all live happily ever after with the handsome man getting his beautiful bride.

There is all the hype and drama about the wedding itself; the venue, the ceremony, the Brides outfit, the wedding guests, presents, Bucks nights, Hens nights etc, etc,

I often wonder if couples actually think about their life after the wedding and what it is that each of them wants from the marriage. Here are a few questions that I think each partner should ask them selves and each other before the Big Day.

1. What do you want from this relationship?
2. What are the qualities that your partner has that you love the most?
3. Do you feel love and respect for your partner?
4. Do you feel that your partner loves and respects you?
5. What is it that your partner does that you like the least?
6. What does your partner do on a regular basis that makes you feel loved?
7. What does “Being Loved” mean to you?

There are other topics that need to be discussed and agreed upon such as:
• whether or not they want to have children and how many.
• how they manage their money.
• how they work together at home with the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping and all      those jobs that we all have to do around the house.
• what is important to each partner regarding their lifestyle.
• What are their visions for their future together.

These are just a few things that I think it is important for couples to think about long before their actual wedding if they are going to have a successful marriage.And remember, as in any relationship, marriages need to be worked on and nurtured, not taken for granted.

Hilary Thompson

Facilitator at Flourishing Relationships Retreat

The Out and About Therapist

Flourishing Relationships – Life Changes

As we go through life, we all experience times of change; such as becoming redundant or retiring from the workforce.

Each of these changes can impact on us and how we feel about ourselves in varying degrees. Some changes we can, with a little foresight, prepare for and others we just cope with as best we can when they happen.
One thing that it is important to remember is that at each stage of life we are playing a

A Sculptured Candle

role; and that role is not who we are. For example, our role could be a Plumber, a Parent, a Fireman, a Doctor, a Secretary, a Farmer. We identify with these roles and often that is how we identify ourselves. We forget that we are so much more than that.
So that when a life change occurs like retirement; we often feel the loss of our role in life as if we have lost ourselves. And that can be scary. Remember, what we do is a role that we play, not who we are; so therefore, when our lives change, all we have to do is choose another role and off we go again.

The trick is to find ourselves another role that gives us the satisfaction and meaning to our lives that we want. Many people do this really well and reinvent themselves very successfully, but some need some help to find their direction.

Getting help to make the changes in our lives easier is a very sensible thing to do. So if you are struggling with a big life change, my suggestion is that you find someone to help you let go of the past and find you way to a new life.

Hilary Thompson

The Out and About Therapist

The candle is now changed into a pattern.

Facilitator at Flourishing Relationships Retreat